Episode 1: Understanding Division of Labor
How to Navigate Division of Labor in Your Relationship
Today we're diving into one of the most common issues couples bring to therapy: the division of labor in households. If you've ever felt resentful about household chores, overwhelmed by invisible labor, or stuck in an unfair dynamic with your partner, you're not alone. This issue is both incredibly common and deeply complicated to unpack.
Why Division of Labor Is So Complex
There are so many layers to understand when it comes to unequal division of labor:
How things are currently split and how it makes each person feel
The root causes and patterns that have developed over time
Built-in habits that need to be deconstructed and rebuilt
Accumulated resentment and ruptures in the relationship
The way I respond to this question depends entirely on which partner is writing in. Are you the one feeling overworked and over-functioning? Or are you the one being labeled as passive or forgetful? I hold deep empathy for both experiences, and both sides deserve support and encouragement toward change.
Start Here: A Practical Resource
Before we go deeper, I want to give you an immediate resource: Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. This New York Times bestseller offers a game-changing approach to household management, complete with a card deck that gamifies the conversation.
The Fair Play Deck acts as a third party guiding your discussions, taking pressure off both partners and preventing one person from becoming the default manager.
What I Look for as a Therapist
When couples come to me with this issue, I'm examining multiple dimensions:
Individual Factors
Is depression, anxiety, chronic illness, or ADHD contributing to the dynamic?
What individual resources or support might help?
Gender and Expectations
Are internalized gender roles at play?
What expectations did each person bring into the relationship about how a household should run?
What matters to each person about organization, cleanliness, and home life?
Habits and Circumstances
How did the current pattern become the status quo?
Did life circumstances (work schedules, moving, pets, kids) create habits that no longer serve you?
Relational Dynamics
How does each person enable the current dynamic?
Who is becoming resentful, passive, or avoidant?
What's the emotional impact been over the years?
The Myth of Effortless Mutuality
Here's something many couples don't realize: true mutuality requires more work, not less.
When one partner steps up and starts engaging more equally, the other partner has to compromise more. You have to accept influence, let go of control, and watch things get done differently than you would do them.
Some couples discover through this process that one partner actually wants to maintain control over certain areas. That's okay—what matters is making these choices consciously rather than falling into them by default.
Moving Forward: A Roadmap for Change
Based on the question submitted by a wife married for 10 years who's tried everything from direct communication to lists, team meetings, and yes—even yelling and shame—here's where I'd begin:
1. Have the Vulnerable Conversation
Start by addressing the emotional impact of the current dynamic:
How does feeling like the default adult affect you?
What resentment has built up?
How has this impacted intimacy and connection?
Both partners need space to share their hurt. Even if criticism was warranted, criticism itself damages relationships. The contempt in your tone matters more than the socks on the floor.
2. Get Curious About "Why"
Where do the blind spots come from?
Is it truly about how someone's brain works?
Can new rituals be built to increase mental awareness?
3. Break It Down
Don't ask for an entire overhaul. That's unrealistic and unfair. Instead:
Identify what's non-negotiable to you
Start with one or two specific areas (like dinner planning)
Build momentum with small, manageable changes
4. Think Long-Term
Creating new neural pathways takes roughly 10,000 repetitions. Changing an entire dynamic requires multiple ongoing mini-changes over time.
You're not looking for change after one conversation. You're committing to ongoing dialogue based on mutuality, respect, and kindness—again and again and again.
When to Seek Professional Help
If you've read Fair Play, tried the card deck, (or similar static resources) and still struggle with these dynamics, couples therapy can provide the nuanced, ongoing support needed to truly understand what's at the root of your specific situation.
The Exception: When One Partner Won't Change
I want to acknowledge one scenario: if your partner genuinely isn't interested in change and wants to keep being taken care of, that's not a couples issue—it's an individual question you need to ask yourself about whether this relationship still serves you.
Division of labor is one of the most common perpetual issues couples face, but it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. With patience, vulnerability, specificity, and time, you can build a dynamic that works for both of you.
Have questions about division of labor or any other topic in your relationship? Submit your anonymous questions here:
Listen to the full episode here:
The show is brought to you by Cordoba Couples Therapy and the Northampton Center for Couples Therapy. And a big thank you to From the Woods for our theme song: Apple Bottom Boogaloo.
